Global Community Communications Alliance Member Profile
Beyana
I'll never forget my mother asking me when I was about twenty-two years old, "Why do you DO these [strange] things?"...like join a yoga group and wear all white or make a tipi and proceed to stay in it with my toddler son. My dear conservative mother just did not understand such things. My sister put it in a kind way: "You are a seeker." At twenty-two I knew that I was rebellious and self-centered but not just that; I knew in some vague way that these experiments and experiences were uniquely important for me, that there was some deeper reason that I was drawn to ways other than my family's traditions.
Being the youngest child of four to a conservative Midwestern couple, I was raised to work hard, make good grades, be a good Catholic and not rock the boat. I really did try to "toe the line" in my youth, but even then I remember questioning tradition. One time I invited my little Protestant neighborhood friends to my house where I had set up a Catholic Mass in our basement, complete with Wonder Bread "hosts" rolled out flat with mom's rolling pin. The only difference was that I was the priest! Mom sat on the basement steps watching but didn't say a thing. The world of nature was also very important to me in those early years as it has been ever since. As my siblings were five, eight, and ten years older than me, I spent many hours playing alone outdoors, making up stories and finding beauty in all the natural things a child finds and sees. I did make good grades in school but was rather shy and never part of any "in crowd." In fact, after kindergarten I usually felt out of step with everyone else. As a child I had a longing toward God; I'd go into the church when no one was there to "talk to Jesus" in the silence. Sometimes tears would stream down my face, although I had no idea why.
As my teen years advanced a theme emerged that I can still see in myself: wanting to be accepted in the broader world but determined to break away from traditions and values that don't make sense to me. The first time I didn't go to Sunday Mass at seventeen I told my mother that I could talk to God out on a hillside watching the sun go down just as well as in a church. All the rules and regulations seemed to get in the way of real heartfelt and soulful communication with the Divine. As soon as I left my parents' home and went off to college, I really started to experiment doing things my own way, whether or not they were logical, legal, sensible, safe or sane. I had a lively intellect and a curiosity about almost every subject, not to mention the "radical new" things, thoughts and behaviors that were alive in the ‘60's and ‘70's on university campuses. I suppose for the times I was pretty tame, but coming from my conservative upbringing a new world had opened up for me. Psychology was my major when I entered. At the end of two years I was taking almost all art and dance classes, and I quit. I figured I could pursue my interests in Eastern religions, literature, art and dance on my own without paying all those high fees. I was part of a yoga group and got married to my boyfriend by our guru. Life seemed very rich, and I felt very adventuresome.
The attraction to spirituality, the healing arts, artistic and intellectual pursuits, and self-centeredness seemed to develop concurrently in me. I let life unfold without a lot of far vision. Always I let myself be led by my heart, by what I felt rather than logic or careful planning. And although I didn't plan my life's path, it did seem to be my mission to do things differently than my parents, the church, mainstream culture, you name it. If my elders said it, I felt obliged to question it! Often that is a very healthy thing, but I know that in my immaturity (even when I was old enough to know better!) I carried it to extremes. I figured that I just had to forge my own path, that because my parents and society at large seemed so off base in some areas that they weren't to be trusted in much of anything. It took me a long time to realize that the action of "push" needs to be complemented by "yield" and "create anew."
Along my unfolding path I had two beautiful children. Although I was uncertain in many areas of child rearing, one thing was clear: I vowed not to enslave them by values of my parents' generation that I felt had shackled me—adherence to religious beliefs that had nothing to do with a relationship with God, the importance of looking good at all costs, undue guilt and others. Of course, I made many mistakes and many poor choices. It seemed I had an unnamed itch that made me restless, always seeking for that mysterious something. I thank God to this day that my boys had the stabilizing influence of their father while their mother was following her often unorthodox path. Underneath everything, however, I did have a sense of purpose, that there really was something in particular that I was supposed to be doing in this world, something of service, something important. Artistic creativity was always important to me. I was also drawn to the world of natural and traditional healing. After birthing both of my boys at home I spent time as a lay midwife, then began training toward certification as a nurse midwife. This gave me some direction in my life. But without an anchor, a real center of meaning to my life, more or less making it up as I went along, often I went down blind alleys or off on tangents. I was drawn to many different spiritual traditions, picking and choosing what appealed to me, but the traditional view of God as an old man on a throne definitely turned me off! I explored Hinduism along with a yoga practice, charismatic Christianity and Catholicism, Native American earth-based spirituality, various schools of Buddhism and meditation practice. There were aspects of each that seemed familiar and appealing, but none of them really held me for long. I figured that maybe I just wasn't a joiner after all the time I had spent alone. Some people say that an attraction to drugs and alcohol can mean an underlying longing for God, so I guess my youthful longing toward Him was still alive but took yet another wrong turn. I must've had a lot of celestial help that saw me through those times of "longing". Getting clean and sober helped to ground me and literally bring me to my senses. I worked on the other side of addictions and mental illness as a registered nurse in treatment centers and hospitals. The world of allopathic medicine was a tough place for an idealistic spiritual seeker, yet I was buoyed along by the belief that somehow I could make a difference to individuals in that intensely personal work. It was a big relief to me when I found a real passion for something: healing through expressive arts, especially dance.
It was when
I was in this chapter of my life and training for my second career that
I first heard of Gabriel of Urantia and the Global Community Communications Alliance.
My elderly father was ill and I came down to Arizona from Boulder, Colorado
for a week to help care for him and give my sister some respite.
It was such a positive experience that the next month I came down on a
one-way ticket, determined to stay as long as I was needed. For some
much-needed R&R during those days I contacted a friend I hadn't seen
for about twelve years who was part of a spiritual community. Although
I was leery of being preached at, I really needed some respite from elder
care. As my friend and I renewed a relationship that spanned thirty
years my curiosity prompted many questions. The more I asked, the more
curious I became. I'll never forget the evening I first heard the
name "Christ Michael". You know the feeling when you hear something
true? It goes right into you like a pebble tossed into a pond.
That's how I felt when I heard that cosmic name of the person we know as
Jesus of Nazareth. It was a moment in time that stood still. I felt
an expansiveness around my heart, a deep opening in my heart and my mind.
How can you describe something like that? Every part of me recognized
that name. The Truth of that moment carried me right into this present
moment: as a member and ordained minister in the Global Community Communications Alliance.
I've finally found the place where the vision is big, the leadership is
trustworthy, where I can make the biggest difference for the most people.
A huge part of my life-long seeking has been satisfied. But the adventure,
I think, is just beginning...
Beyana,
Minister
Vicegerent First Assistant
to Gabriel of Urantia and Niánn Emerson Chase and the Mandate of the Bright and Morning Star